It’s beginning to look like a lot like Christmas. Except, it’s not — not the sort of Christmas you’d see in movies, anyway. It’s not snowing. There’s not a caroler in sight. “Ode to Joy” does not blast out of the speakers every time you do something awesome.
In real life, the Christmas holidays don’t look anything like they do in the movies. Mind you, that’s not always a bad thing. We could do without big Christmas Eve heists and Santas who want to kill you, rob you, or at least abscond with your roast beef. Sure, our presents aren’t as beautifully wrapped, our trees aren’t as photogenic, and families with five kids do not fly first class to Paris. But aren’t those all small sacrifices when you consider that your chances of electrocuting the cat with Christmas tree lights or being forced to pay strangers to spend the holiday with you are really quite slim?
Behold, some of the holiday myths Hollywood would have you believe…
Lethal Weapon (1987)
You might get screwed on a sparse fir that leans to one side, but it’s unlikely you’ll stumble across a deadly drug deal while Riggs looks on.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Scrooged (1988)
The Grinch, Scrooge, Frank Cross…In Hollywood, no meanie is exempt from a little down-to-the-wire Christmas joy. If only that were true in real life.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
As also evidenced by Anna Kendrick’s burnt pizza incident in last year’s Happy Christmas, inviting family members over for some yuletide yucks can only result in a visit from the fire department. Are we just ludicrously lucky that we’ve managed to go unscathed all this time?Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Home Alone (1990)
From Home Alone to Die Hard to The Ref, the Christmas Eve break-in seems to be a common theme. Is Grandma Jean’s insistence that we all gather ’round the fire and watch It’s a Wonderful Life for the millionth time the only reason we’ve not fallen victim, or are our Christmas light displays just not impressive enough for local crooks?Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Die Hard (1988)
With all due respect to the late Mr. Takagi, hosting the Christmas party at the last minute was kind of a Scrooge move. Those people should have gone home hours ago.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)
Has anyone ever, outside of Dickensian Londoners, actually had carolers come to their house? Do tell.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Jack Frost (1998)
Where do these movie characters live and why is it never slushy there? No global warming in the movies!Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Reindeer Games (2000)
Crooks sure do love to get their hands on a Santa suit. Between Trading Places, Bad Santa, and Reindeer Games, Saint Nick’s really gotten a bad rap. Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
The Family Man (2000)
The Family Man and Scrooged would us have think that an out-of-the-blue message means you should drop everything, find that person, and get married. Life has taught us that it was probably either a pocket-dial, or a hot toddy-fuelled booty call.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
About a Boy (2002)
It’s not all Roberta Flack singalongs, geeky relatives, and tofurkey, folks. Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Love Actually (2003)
Since when? Tell that to Santa and his magical elves, or to anyone who has had to cough up faux-pleasure over a Chia pet. If Andrew Lincoln was really into truth-telling, he’d have confessed his inappropriate crush to his best buddy. Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Surviving Christmas (2004)
Flying solo on Christmas doesn’t make you weird. Begging someone to pretend to be your boyfriend (Love the Coopers) or paying a random family to meet your girlfriend (Surviving Christmas) does.Photo: Snap Stills/REX Shutterstock.
The Family Stone (2005)
Trust us, this doesn’t work. Just ask all the members of our family we’re no longer speaking to.Photo: Snap Stills/REX Shutterstock.
The Holiday (2006)
The dream: Your Christmas across the pond will involve sipping mulled wine and taking long baths with a foxy widow. The reality: You’ll be trapped in a Premier Inn with no room service, and the only guy trying to sweep you off your feet is a dude named Gazza who keeps calling you “luv.”Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Love Actually (2003)
As if a department store clerk would take the time to wrap your present for free. If you’re like us, you forget to take the price tags off and just toss it all in a gift bag you saved from last year.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
Christmas With the Kranks (2004)
You cancelled Christmas? Eh, nobody really cares.Photo: Moviestore Collection/REX Shutterstock.
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