I have never been excited by the prospect of a large wedding. I’d prefer a slow and calm moment. Mainly because the logistics of a traditional wedding (especially a large one) sounds overwhelming, with couples pressured by an unending cycle of catering to the needs and emotions of other people (all while looking graceful in your pictures). To avoid that, an elopement-style wedding is appealing. But there is a huge caveat preventing some Black couples from successfully eloping: it is not cultural.

Weddings are ubiquitous for most members of African communities, at home or across the diaspora, and there are expectations for wedding ceremonies to be a lavish event — one that also upholds generations of customs (religious, cultural, western or otherwise) and traditions. Moreover, in certain cultures, a wedding may last many days and involve traditional rites and the exchange of gifts. With both invited and uninvited guests present, the food and drink feast applies to all traditions. And as a result, the costs add up.

The wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. CNN reported in 2017 that a “Nigerian wedding can cost up to $9,460 – $13,515 with ‘guest lists matching the super-sized budgets.’ They added that some weddings in the country cater for an average of 1,000 guests.

Many couples are choosing to elope as result —  62% of US-based couples are open to considering a scaled-back elopement style wedding according to a recent survey. Yet, while many would like to elope to avoid extravagance or a large wedding, some find it hard to stand up against the culture and do something different. And those that do sometimes encounter mild to severe opposition from friends and family. 

Elopement-style weddings are obviously not for everyone. It’s entirely acceptable for some couples to enjoy the splendour and spectacle of a large traditional wedding. Ultimately, the decision to elope or not should be based on what feels suitable for the individual couple.

Unbothered spoke to three brides who eloped with their partners about their decision and how it impacted their relationships.

Sheay’dra Kydd, 28, is a chemical lab technician who lives in Louisiana. She eloped in Paris in September 2022

I met my husband while on the job. Kevin and I worked for the same company for about a year and got together at the end of 2019. Ever since I was little, I always wanted a traditional wedding with a big party and reception. But when the time came for me to plan for one, I realised that I didn’t need the extraness. All that was important was just my partner and I sharing a special moment.

It does take a lot to plan a wedding these days. After Kevin proposed, we started looking into traditional things like venues and refreshments. We discovered that the average cost of food and drinks for a wedding in New Orleans started at around $20,000. We were stunned. We had a life to live after the wedding, so we had to figure out a different way to have a ceremony. And that was how we came to plan for our elopement.

A significant reason we chose to elope was the cost of a wedding. We just couldn’t afford to spend that much on one occasion. Another reason was I didn’t want to be the centre of attention like that. Lastly, I am of the opinion that our family and friends have the entirety of our marriage years to celebrate our love however they want and it doesn’t have to be a 4-hour countdown celebration that costs an arm and a leg.

We started planning to elope in January and before we solidified our plans, we both checked in with our parents to be sure they were cool with not being present — and they were. But we didn’t tell our extended family or friends until August because we didn’t want the extra opinions disrupting our plans. 

We both always wanted to go to Paris, so we decided to get married there. It was our first trip together and it was the best. Due to legal laws, we had to sign our papers in a courthouse before leaving Louisiana for Paris to be recognised as a couple. We hired a wedding planning company that provided us with an officiant, transportation, bouquet of flowers, photographer and videographer. The company also live-streamed our ceremony so our family at home could watch. 

The location of our ceremony in Paris was around the Eiffel tower. It felt romantic and looked really iconic. The ceremony started around 6:30 in the morning and was on for about 45 minutes. We got to read our vows and share a kiss. It was magical. After the ceremony, we had a 3-hour photo and video tour around the city and stopped at several iconic spots. In all, the ceremony lasted about 4 hours and cost us around $3500.

We went back to our hotels, freshened up and had a nice lunch. We were still in Paris for the next five days after our wedding for our honeymoon and we visited Disneyland, museums, and other sites. We checked off a lot of things on our bucket list during this time. We had so much fun. Planning our elopement brought us together as a couple because it was the first big project we worked on. We also took the time to get started on creating content for our couple vlog page (@kyddingaround.vlog). We plan to travel more as couples even though we both work full-time because we enjoy the adventure it brings.

A lot of people tend to look at what’s been done repeatedly as a sort of blueprint or pattern to determine future events. This applies to weddings and how to get married too. I believe you can choose to get married however you want and no method is set in stone. Travel is a privilege and eloping is a way of travelling and getting married at the same time which is very cost-efficient.

Aurelia St Clair, 27, is a comedian and podcaster who lives in Melbourne. She eloped in Vegas in August 2022

My wife and I started talking after she messaged me on Instagram. We chatted for a few weeks before I flew to meet her on the Gold Coast, where she lived two hours away from Melbourne. Later, in January 2022, we started dating. 

Before meeting my wife, I never thought I would get married. I thought marriage would trap or hold me down a certain way, and I didn’t want that. But when I met Tamara, it just felt right. We’re both so free and equal, and I feel seen with her. I’m convinced I will not trap her, nor would she trap me. With how much we loved each other then (and now), getting married felt like the next logical step to professing our love – because, saying, ‘I love you’ countless times was never going to be enough.

So, eight months after we started dating, we decided to elope. We wanted an intimate moment for the two of us rather than having to plan with friends and family or pay for a venue and get a cake. Plus, we’re both romantic and a little bit spontaneous.

My wife was on a work tour around North America and Europe when we began conversing about our wedding. I always visited to see her overseas while on tour, and we saw there was going to be a stop in Las Vegas which meant her schedule would have some time off around then. So we talked about it and agreed to get married in the city.

I handled most of the planning because she was busy with work, but it was also effortless for me to put it together. All I did was look on Pinterest for the photographer and get a matching dress for the suit she wore, which I already owned before the wedding.

We chose the Little White Wedding Chapel, famous for drive-through weddings. It’s one of the best places to get married in Vegas. Also, a month before we wedded, JLo was married there, and in the past, other celebrities have, too, including Michael Jordan, Lily Allen and others. I wanted to get married in the same place as JLo.

I told my close friends about my wedding, and they were all super supportive; likewise, my wife’s family, which we shared the news with on the wedding day because we knew they wouldn’t mind. However, my sister-in-law suspected beforehand we had plans when she found out we’d be in Las Vegas. 

Our ceremony was to start at about 6:00 pm on August 14, 2022. So, we slept in. Around midday, we woke up and headed to the local Sephora to make an appointment for our makeup before having a big American-style breakfast. After eating, we ironed our outfits and went to get our makeup done. It didn’t come out as we’d expected, so we had to redo it ourselves.

We left our hotel a couple of hours before 6 pm and got a cab to take us to the chapel. We loved it the moment we saw it. The ceremony happened quickly. When it finished, we signed our papers and moved to take photos. We also went for little drives around Vegas and were both so over the moon. I’ve never looked as happy as in my wedding photos. We got some drinks and ate some hot dogs to end the day.

Since my wife was still on tour, the accommodation was paid for by her company. In total, we spent less than $1000 on photography, venue, makeup and a wedding dress mostly because we used things we either already had or made new purchases that were reasonable. The most costly item, however, was my return flight to America, which got up to about $1500.

My wedding was non-traditional and lowkey, and it turned out to be the best. A common thing with hosting weddings has to be couples’ need to follow what their friends and family want to think of them. It is expensive to get married. In the generation of our parents, they had a kind of situation where families financed weddings. But now, most couples would have to bear the full cost, spending up to $40,000, which isn’t affordable to most people in the cost of living crisis.

The privacy of our ceremony affirmed how close we were to each other and also how we put each other first before what other people might think about us or want from us. Our relationship post-elopement has been amazing and, if anything, stronger. We got to do what we wanted and in a way we wanted.

Jo Wong, 37, who lives in London and works in fashion tech, eloped in Bali in September 2022

I met my husband, Jay, on Hinge during the pandemic when I was just trying out online dating for fun. When I matched with him, he suggested we go on a park date although I was used to having dates on zoom with other men in the past. I wasn’t very welcoming of his idea but I agreed to go on a picnic with him. We got along pretty quickly. In June, we started dating; moved in together in October and got engaged in September of the following year.

I’d had my fair share of relationships before this. Being married twice, I’d say women should not have to be afraid of failed relationships. I got married very young the first time and had no ceremony. The second time, though I thought I was ready, it didn’t quite feel like it – neither did the ceremony.

My past experiences at other people’s events convinced me I didn’t want a big wedding, not to talk of one that was traditional. I wanted to be selfish if I had to because it didn’t make sense to compromise my values to appease other people on my big day. For example, my husband and I are vegans, but we would have to buy meat if we were to have guests at our wedding. Another thing, I’m not religious, so a church wedding for me is a no-no. I instead prefer a destination that is special to me.

Since I wanted something intimate, eloping with my partner was the perfect option. For the past 10 years, I’ve been visiting Bali, where I feel most peaceful, so I picked it as my destination. We planned to get married in September of 2022, as it’s our birth month, so we looked up hotels and resorts and contacted a planner who handled our setup.

On September 26, 2022, we tied the knot. It was the best day ever. I didn’t stress over anything at all. The hotel sent some girls to help me get dressed for the ceremony. We had a photo session and enjoyed an incredible vegan dinner afterwards. It felt like nobody else existed but us. We cried and laughed and just allowed ourselves space to be vulnerable. 

We spent approximately $5000 for our wedding, which covered hotel and photography fees. And that trip was one of the many we’ll be going on as couples. It was everything I imagined it to be.

A common thing people do with weddings is to postpone getting married because they can’t afford it. Well, I’ll tell you that your relationship doesn’t have to wait because you don’t have much money to spend. There’s the perception within African, African American and Caribbean cultures that people need to show off their wealth and worth by having a large and expensive wedding. I think that can be detrimental to whoever would engage in such. Don’t put yourself in debt to prove something to outside people that won’t even be there for you when your relationship faces a tough time.

When we returned to England, we went to a courthouse in December to sign our papers.

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